[07/12/18] Wild Fantasy Online (Book 1)

Discussion in '2018 LitRPG Books' started by Tom Harem, Jul 18, 2018.

  1. Tom Harem

    Tom Harem Level 7 (Cutpurse) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    Hello everyone. I hope you're all having a good day.

    https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07FKPSY91

    This is the first part, but the second one will be out in less than two weeks. The book has 76 pages (around 20,000 words). The second one will be longer and will have a bigger focus on the "harem" part.
    I accept every critique and advice, that's the only way to get better. I must warn you that English is not my main language and despite the fact that I've been writing on Amazon for almost a year I might have missed something.
    Thanks to everyone who's willing to give it a shot, and, also, if anyone has doubts about publishing on Amazon (either about KU, keywords, or anything else) I'll gladly help.

    Blurb:
    Tim's life isn't going as good as he thought it would be by now.
    His friends are busy, he got fired, and he just spent a few dollars on a VR game that promises to be so thrilling that you won't even remember there's a life outside. That's exactly what he needs.

    The hot cover girl, Brianna, was another reason why he chose this game, and when he finds out that she's a real player things will get even hotter. However, he has no idea how dangerous the game can be, and how he will end up fighting alongside her to save the city of Viribus, from a faceless man that seems impossible to defeat.

    The game is packed with fights that will have a lasting effect on everyone's path, and several women ready to please those who are deemed worth it of it.

    Follow Tim's epic journey as he fights to become a hero in his quest to save the vast world of Wild Fantasy Online, and keeps adding women, who praise him, to his harem.
     
  2. Paul Bellow

    Paul Bellow Forum Game Master Staff Member LitRPG Author Shop Owner Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    Welcome aboard. I got you added to the @LitRPG Author group. Enjoy your stay!
     
  3. Brian Foster

    Brian Foster Level 6 (Footpad) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    If you honestly want a bit of critique ...

    I cannot handle the formatting. What's with the line spacing? And why didn't you indent for paragraphs?

    This line "... I could feel the anger spreading through my body ..." could be tightened to bring the reader closer to the POV character by writing it as "... anger spread through my body ...".

    "Tim's life isn't going as good as he thought it would be by now."

    You forgot the line space after this paragraph.

    You could delete "by now" to make this tighter.

    Shouldn't "good" be "well?"

    "His friends are busy, he got fired, and he just spent a few dollars on a VR game that promises to be so thrilling that you won't even remember there's a life outside. That's exactly what he needs."

    Does the friends being busy thing really do anything for you? If you left it out, you could emphasize the getting fired point more. Maybe something like:

    Blamed for something he didn't even do, he got fired. (List some ramifications of being fired.) The only bright spot is that he found a VR game that promised to be so thrilling that he wouldn't even remember life outside. Exactly what he needed.

    For the rest of the blurb, consider writing everything past tense and getting rid of the "will have" statements.

    Hope this helps and best of luck to you!

    Brian
     
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  4. Tom Harem

    Tom Harem Level 7 (Cutpurse) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    Thank you for your help.
    I'm going to look into it, and make a few changes.
     
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