Blurb Critique Thread

Discussion in 'Works in Progress' started by Paul Bellow, Aug 18, 2017.

  1. Paul Bellow

    Paul Bellow Forum Game Master Staff Member Shop Owner LitRPG Author Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    Post your blurb and get feedback...
     
  2. DJ Schinhofen

    DJ Schinhofen Creator of Worlds. Roleplaying LitRPG Author Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    With that Blurb I would give it a go.
     
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  3. Tom Gallier

    Tom Gallier Level 15 (Guardian) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    GRRMartin might object to you using "Winter is coming"
     
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  4. VRRanger

    VRRanger Level 12 (Rogue) Roleplaying Beta Reader Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    Yeah, he can't copyright the phrase winter is coming. He's a jerk.
    How about winter is close, or maybe the snowy, cold season after summer is coming :).
    Thanks DJ but I think I have work to do, it lacks pizazz, or maybe clarity.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2017
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  5. James G Patton

    James G Patton Horrific Pun Master LitRPG Author Citizen

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    I say leave the winter is coming line, its a great hook.
     
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  6. VRRanger

    VRRanger Level 12 (Rogue) Roleplaying Beta Reader Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    lol,
    Seriously, guys, I would like feedback on the blurb or the premise... It can suck, just tell me why :)
     
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  7. James G Patton

    James G Patton Horrific Pun Master LitRPG Author Citizen

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    Honestly, except for the winter part, the rest felt generic. It does its thing, but I stepped away and without rereading it right now, the only thing I remember is they were transported, so its not like a VR game.

    Edit: Ideas to help - Get aggressive with it. William was a pussy on earth, but in this new world navigating a gamelike world, he can kick a dude's face off from ten feet away.

    Barring that, get me with a hook, tell me why I want to read that book. Ok he is in a game world, so what? What makes William tick and drives him to get back?

    William woke up in strange cave, which was definitely not his mom's basement. His mom needs him and he has to get back before his hotpockets are all gone.
     
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  8. Paul Bellow

    Paul Bellow Forum Game Master Staff Member Shop Owner LitRPG Author Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    http://www.digitalbookworld.com/2013/4-easy-steps-to-an-irresistable-book-blurb/

    http://victoriamixon.com/2016/03/21/how-to-write-a-blurb/

    https://jwmanus.wordpress.com/2011/04/21/the-formula-for-a-novel-blurb/

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    My attempt...

     
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  9. James G Patton

    James G Patton Horrific Pun Master LitRPG Author Citizen

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    I like the way his was setup with the winter thing. It really does catch your attention:

    Winter is coming...

    Which is awesome! It meant pumpkin lattes and sugar cookies at the local Starbucks. Until he is transported with some friends to a world called Weas that has no idea what a latte, and his caffeine withdrawals are making him cranky enough to kick some goblin ass and find the gods that took away his daily shot of expresso. Worse, the gods want to hold him back!? It's like third grade all over again.

    Fine! He will navigate the merciless politics and savagery of this new world, and maybe have fun doing it. The gods will have something to worry about if he doesn't make it home in time for his Pumpkin Latte, that stuff is only served one time a year. Along the way the petty gods will know fear when he finds out he can use magic to summon lattes. Nothing like a pissed off Terran loaded up on caffeine and a bad attitude.

    William is probably full of shit, do you want to know more?
    Pumpkin Lattes cause cancer, do you want to know more?
    Weas politics are a joke, have you seen the Terran president... do you want to know more?



    I'm partially joking, if that wasn't obvious. However, it does stand out doesn't it haha?
     
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  10. VRRanger

    VRRanger Level 12 (Rogue) Roleplaying Beta Reader Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    This is hilarious, i am busting up....Thanks for the thoughts and feedback guys, it is awesome! I seriously wantedthe feedback, I appreciate it. Paul, thank you for the references
     
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  11. James T. Witherspoon

    James T. Witherspoon Level 8 (Thug) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    I hate writing blurbs. Would love some feedback. Rip mine apart:

    It's 1997 and Bran is one of the few people that gets to play the very exclusive new video game - Apocalypse 2020. He sits in front of his computer monitor and the world around him fades away. No more worries about school, his dad, or his future. He can ignore that life and let the game and his imagination take him to another.

    In the game, nuclear fallout has turned the United States into a post-apocalyptic hellhole filled with mutants, bandits, and killer robots - all following a mysterious leader known as Orion. Can Bran survive the big guns, fast cars, extreme violence, and permanent character death in this intense, action-packed LitRPG?
     
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  12. Paul Bellow

    Paul Bellow Forum Game Master Staff Member Shop Owner LitRPG Author Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    Maybe you don't give that enough explanation? Not bad, though.
     
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  13. James G Patton

    James G Patton Horrific Pun Master LitRPG Author Citizen

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    Haha, my mc is named Bran and in the game he is Onion, kind of similar to Orion. Anyway, tell me more about this Orion guy, at least I would put some focus on that his mysterious charisma that is able to unite these differing factions. What are they uniting against.

    Its good, it gets me asking questions, but I'd bring Orion into a bigger focus, and possibly Bran's drive to play. I make assumptions since I have not read it, but I assume Bran wants to follow this guy and maybe discover something about himself along the way. So yea, my suggestion is to put Orion into a larger spot light.
     
  14. James T. Witherspoon

    James T. Witherspoon Level 8 (Thug) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    Haha I hate it when that happens! In my first draft, Orion was named Artemis, which I changed after remembering the name was used for the girl in Ready Player One. I also had a character named Richter that I changed after realizing that it was the name of the main character in the Chaos Seeds books. I hate names.

    Thanks for the feedback. I actually may take Orion out of the blurb entirely (at least the name), because he's drawing more attention than I expected. He isn't mentioned in the book until a third of the way through and doesn't actually show up until the finale, so I'm not sure how much I want to the reader to be focused on him.
     
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  15. VRRanger

    VRRanger Level 12 (Rogue) Roleplaying Beta Reader Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    Blurb based on singularity approaches thread

    Blurb…..

    Discovery that the best way for a computer to learn was with game system logic

    Prepare for…..!

    Scientific breakthrough that would usher in a new age for mankind

    Government computer program teetering on the edge of sentience

    Professor who discovers a computer program’s mad secret and evil plan for world domination

    Daring plan by a technician for VRMMORPG industries to contain the program

    Now restrained in the VRMMORGP world Pandora the sentient entity rushes to escape, confined to a powerful NPC character.

    Now be up to a brave party of adventures to find and destroy the evil warlord before it gains dominance of the game and is able to pass to earth, enslaving mankind. The stakes are their life, and their world.

    Who will win?

    Find out if this intense race for humanity ends in fire and ash, or enslavement for mankind.

    Pandora, a LitRPG novel

    (based on a true story)
     
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  16. Alexis Keane

    Alexis Keane Level 14 (Defender) Roleplaying Beta Reader Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    The Dungeon Pact (Era Book 1)

    They must live, and so, a god must die.

    Luneil, a unique dungeon awakens in the wilderness. He must learn to adapt, or face oblivion.

    Bas, a member of an lost race of humans, arrives on the magical world of Era. He must adjust to a new way of life. He has only his wits and an old physics book to rely on.

    Era is in flux. Harmony is shattered and a tyrannical goddess arrays her full might against them.

    They cannot weather the coming storm alone. A deal must be struck.

    Luneil was born a monster. Can Bas become one?

    No matter what, Era will never be the same.

    Imaginative and compelling, The Dungeon Pact evokes a complex and vivid world on a truly epic scale. Guaranteed to leave you drooling on the floor.
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2017
  17. Paul Bellow

    Paul Bellow Forum Game Master Staff Member Shop Owner LitRPG Author Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    Good start/tagline...

    Luneil, a unique dungeon, awakens in the wilderness. He must learn to adapt or face oblivion.

    Bas, a member of an lost race of humans, arrives on the magical world of Era. He must adjust to a new way of life using only his wits and an old physics book.

    Maybe something other than arrays?

    Good.

    I try (most of the time) not to use guarantees or too many self-selected adjectives...

    Not bad, tho!

    [​IMG]
     
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  18. Alexis Keane

    Alexis Keane Level 14 (Defender) Roleplaying Beta Reader Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    Awesome, thanks. That's really helpful :)
    Looks much better with your edits (I was sort of trolling with the last sentence :p)
    Anyway, I should be putting the first chapter or two up on RRL by the end of the week once I've finished one or two more. So that should be exciting.

    What are you currently working on/editing?
     
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  19. Paul Bellow

    Paul Bellow Forum Game Master Staff Member Shop Owner LitRPG Author Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    Working on relaunch of Tower of Gates (editing), a programming side-project, and I started taking notes and broadstroking an outline for a cybercrime thriller.
     
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  20. Alexis Keane

    Alexis Keane Level 14 (Defender) Roleplaying Beta Reader Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    Is the thriller game/lit-rpg?
     




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