Blurb Critique Thread

Discussion in 'Works in Progress' started by Paul Bellow, Aug 18, 2017.

  1. WaywardDreaming

    WaywardDreaming Level 6 (Footpad) Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    A kid left home alone defending a house, no, absolutely not. But, say, a guy luring unwitting PVPers into his seemingly defenseless base only to murder them in unique, trolly ways as they try to make it through... I think the basic idea is distant enough that it wouldn't be plagiarism, just clearly inspired by.

    But now we're getting way off topic lol
     
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  2. TravisBach

    TravisBach Level 12 (Rogue) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    Thanks! I was only half of it though. @Alexis Keane really brought it together.
     
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  3. Conor Kostick

    Conor Kostick Level 10 (Filcher) LitRPG Author Beta Reader Citizen

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    Hi, feedback on these blurbs would be very welcome. they are for the first two Level Up books, scheduled for April. Stephen Landry's Star Divers and my own The Dragon's Revenge.


    Star Divers


    In the last two years, Breq has lost his parents, his home, and now his best friend. To discover the truth about what happened to Damien, Breq is going to have to dive deeper into the virtual world of Bane Online than anyone has gone before. Discovering the truth means staying alive whether exploring the depths of planet-sized dungeons or the far reaches of space. First things first, Breq has to level up. And in a game where death means losing everything, that’s not going to be so easy.


    The Dragon’s Revenge


    The promise of incredible, immersive experiences in a fantasy world of stunning beauty and magical challenges has attracted millions of pre-launch subscriptions for Epic 2. But there’s a problem with the game. Mikarkathat, an AI dragon, has departed from her script: organising armies of dark elves, ogres and goblins to conquer the game world. The dragon has to be stopped.

    Enter Tyro, a teenager from one of the poorest parts of Dublin, headhunted along with his team of Epic players to help take the dragon down. The challenge: to level up an entire raiding party in just a month.


    Cheers, Conor
     
  4. Alexis Keane

    Alexis Keane Level 14 (Defender) Roleplaying Beta Reader Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    The "in the last two years" seems a bit unnecessary of a starting point. Second sentence seems overly wordy. Breq's name is repeated too much as well, imo. Discover appears twice when not necessary. "First things first", aka "First". IMO, on the whole, words are being wasted and the stakes aren't being spelled out sufficiently

    Star Divers



    Breq has lost his parents, his home, and now his best friend has disappeared as well.

    To discover what happened to Damien, he'll have to dive deeper into Bane Online than anyone before him. To find the truth, he will need to scour the depths of planet-sized dungeons and survive the dark expanse of deep space.

    First, however, Breq needs to level up. And in a game where death means losing everything, it also means losing Damien forever.
     
  5. Alexis Keane

    Alexis Keane Level 14 (Defender) Roleplaying Beta Reader Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    Not sure if it's just me, but this blurb rubs me the wrong way. It feels to me more like a press release than anything else. It feels extremely sterile and clinical to me.


    The promise of incredible, immersive experiences in a fantasy world of stunning beauty and magical challenges has attracted millions of pre-launch subscriptions for Epic 2.

    I don't want you to tell me how amazing the world is, I want you to show me. This feels like reading a newspaper.

    But there’s a problem with the game. Mikarkathat, an AI dragon, has departed from her script: organising armies of dark elves, ogres and goblins to conquer the game world. The dragon has to be stopped.


    Mikarka- what now? What's important about the name of Mikarkathat the Unpronouncable? Unless the name is truly vital to giving a summary of the story, it's not necessary, especially with how much of a mouthful it us. "Has departed from her script" is such a boring way of saying things, there's no dynamism, to drama, no tension. "Dark elves, ogres and goblins", The animals went in two by two, Hoorah! Hoorah! The animals went in two by two, Hoorah! Hoorah! Why is a list of the monsters being fought important to a reader buying the book?

    Enter Tyro, a teenager from one of the poorest parts of Dublin, headhunted along with his team of Epic players to help take the dragon down. The challenge: to level up an entire raiding party in just a month.

    I get it, 'poor boy done good', just not sure why this is important to telling the story succinctly and enticingly to the browsing reader. "The challenge: to level up an entire raiding party in just a month"... you have just spent 90 words telling us how the dragon needs to be taken down, then you suddenly shift to talking about leveling up a raiding party, while it's not, it certain feels like a non-sequitur. There was the possibility of including epic (pun intended) stakes here to end any built up momentum on a hanging high where the reader wants to know more, the ending feels a little bit like running one's car into a drainage ditch.

    ===========================================

    Epic 2 has taken the world by storm. And the game hasn't even launched yet.

    There's just one problem. A dragon and its AI controller have gone rogue, threatening to conquer the world before millions of players even get a chance to experience it.

    Tyro has been recruited to help fight through hordes of monsters and take the dragon down. If he and his team stand a chance at saving the world before it's even started, they'll need to level up.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2019
  6. Alexis Keane

    Alexis Keane Level 14 (Defender) Roleplaying Beta Reader Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    I never actually noticed this, oops :p
    damn spoilers, lol...
    112 words, coming right up XD

    They just wanted a moment’s peace. Instead, they found a city burning.

    Tina and James have reunited in Bastion as blood flows through the gutters and the holy king cowers in his fortress.

    Attempts to broker an uneasy peace instead explode into all-out war as ancient enemies circle the imperiled capital.

    However, it’s not just the city that’s divided.
    Old differences resurface and James is forced to flee from Tina and find proof of an impending invasion.

    While James fights to win the king’s confidence, Tina must face off against a vengeance-driven madman.

    Doom approaches and one thing is certain. They must all stand together or die alone.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2019
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  7. TravisBach

    TravisBach Level 12 (Rogue) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    Thanks for the help.

    I'm sorry for the super-slow reply. My life has been busy down to the dang minute for several days. I took several of your ideas and lines above and rolled them around in my blurb for a bit to come up with something new. And I was going to post it, but now that I'm re-reading the thread, I hate what I made hahaha. I'm going to chew on this a bit more before I repost the next version.
     
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