Blurb Critique Thread

(TAKE ALL COMMENTS WITH A GRAIN OF NOOB SALT!)
I like it. Totally see the Pokemon Go connection. One nitpick I have - as I was reading it I hit a speed bump and had to go back and reread:

"... saw a lunatic wearing strange brass goggles, swinging an invisible sword ... "

I obviously understand what is happening there, but maybe "waving his fist around"(?)
The nitpick is not a deal breaker.

I would also maybe change two lines:
"Some enemies, however, aren’t creations of the game at all. Every player is racing toward the same goal, which some will use any means to attain."
to:
"As every player in the city races towards the same goal, Jacob learns that some of the most dangerous enemies aren't part of the game at all and will use any means to win."

Hope this helps! Remember, only you know what's best for your creation.

 

Well, here's the thing. No one should be reading book 2 before book 1.
An Enthralled = Tamed, Party member, etc... and if someone reads the first book, they'll get that.

I guess the real question is: Should I write my Book 2 blurb for people who haven't read book 1?

 

There are also plot twists and spoilers I don't want to blow by giving away too much.
To quickly get you up to speed; In B1, Mark basically builds his party and finds the parts for a unique device that they use in B2.

 

Less is more,sometimes.

 

I like it, thank you. The waving the fist around bit sounds like an old man trying to get the kids off of his lawn. I need a better way to describe it methinks. Maybe... a sword that didn't exist. I dunno.

 

Pretending to wield a sword that nobody else could see perhaps?

 

Ok so this might just be for some people but when I read a blurb for a book later in the series I want some spoilers not saying whats going to happen in the book just talking about some of the last book.

I mainly read blurbs on later books in the series because I haven't read the series and want to hear more about whats going to be in the book which can decide me on the book because of this I recommend you add some catchup on what was in the last book and talk about some things you havent talked about in the first blurb but dont write directly to a new reader.

 

Blurbs are evil. This is what I'm currently using, and it's a new style for me. Looking for ways I can improve it, or even confirmation that it's working as-is. lol

Gods, demons, and heroes. Typical MMO fare—or so I thought.

When my guild dragged me into Jeriskyr Online, I expected I’d be playing the latest VR game. Nothing could have been further from the truth. You see, the gods like to trade people. Chosen by the gods of Jeriskyr and betrayed by my own, I found out that this virtual world is all too real.

Now, I must choose between my own people and a cocky incubus.

It should be an easy decision, yet I find my loyalties torn between the tyrannical and backwards Issradian Empire, or the oppressed demon kingdom, Nabyr-zahn. To embrace injustice or betray my own race.

Or maybe I’ll just burn it all down.​

 

As always This is my opinion on the matter not some fact so take what I say with a grain of salt especially as im no expert.

This line feels a bit clunky I think its mostly because of the and it slows down the pacing.
My advice is to add something more like this
Gods, Demons, Heroes Just your average MMO or so it seemed

Ok so I have no idea how to pronounce Jeriskyr which makes reading it feel strange for a blurb I honestly reccomend you just refer to it as a New MMO or something I know its a bit strange but Any difficulty the reader has with your blurb risks turning them away. I find LitRPG authors tend to overuse the name of there world in the book how often do you hear people saying earth its like saying someones name a bunch in conversation after the first time its implied your talking to them no need to keep saying there name when you address them. (chosen by the gods of earth vs chosen by the gods) If like in your book its a different world and both are mentioned in the blurb just say the god of this new land or the god of the game.

Why is this line in here I have no idea who said incubus is. Why must the MC chose is this being forced or something elaborate a bit? I should also point out you repeat the exact same line in the next paragraph (mc) must chose between (own) and (other) sure its midly different wording but it feels repetative its the same choice after all

This comes down to taste alot but I dont like the use of loyalties the MC dosent owe loyalty to the demons atleast nothing thats stated here. Also introduceing the kingdoms here isnt needed the important thing I think you want to get across here is the choice not the names of things so leave them out they dont add anything. "what should be an easy decision turns into a choice between supporting tyranny or betraying my own kind for demons"

 

So for me personally I find its hard to mess up a mid series books blurb. My only recommendation is say a little of what happened in the previous book for any new readers who want to see the direction the series is taking for example if i want to see if by book [x] what direction the series is gonna take before i invest myself in the series I typically look at the blurb but atleast for me i almost never look at a books blurb if i already read the first unless im on the fence about the series.

 

You had me at, Tougher Mobs. Deeper Dungeons. Better Loot.

Other than that, I'd say the parentheses part is unneeded.

 

My gut reaction advice is to strengthen or change the phrase, "he's given an opportunity" - Maybe, "jumps at the chance," or something. But if it's an opportunity why is Josh reluctant?

The whole second line is gold, especially: "Josh learns that even brutes need brains to survive."

Hope this helps!