Codename: Freedom - Survive Week One

Discussion in 'All Things LitRPG' started by Apollos, May 19, 2017.

  1. Apollos

    Apollos Level 7 (Cutpurse) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    Hey there,

    Some of you may have already read the rough draft and second draft on RRL, which was first posted Nov 2015. Working on my plug for it. I'm publishing soon. So this is to both discuss the new and old... I guess. Your thoughts?


    War is coming.

    The government must accelerate their super soldier program. They have pushed beyond what was thought possible and developed a new Virtual Reality system; the perfect tool to weed out and train recruits.

    Against all odds, Lucius, a semipro gamer, is selected to participate in Codename: Freedom, a VRMMO that promises to blur the lines between game and reality.

    With the world watching live, Lucius is faced with the opportunity to gain a following and impressing sponsors.

    Unlike normal games that start out easy as you learn to play them, Codename: Freedom doesn’t have that luxury. There is no time to waste. After years of hard work to rise in rank, this new game will challenge Lucius to the point of breaking and beyond. Will he quit, go mad, or become something altogether different? Something better?
     

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  2. Paul Bellow

    Paul Bellow Forum Game Master Staff Member LitRPG Author Shop Owner Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    Love that cover. Share your designer in the Author forum if you want. ;)

    On first glance, the blurb doesn't look bad to me. Blurbs are tough but important.
     
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  3. Apollos

    Apollos Level 7 (Cutpurse) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    Thanks Paul!

    Sadly the designer was Tom Shutt who passed away on Tuesday(I believe). He was really great to work with. :(
     
  4. Paul Bellow

    Paul Bellow Forum Game Master Staff Member LitRPG Author Shop Owner Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    Ugh. Yeah, that's terrible. Now that you mention, I think I remember reading that he'd done your covers (or for someone else)?

    Mine doesn't do custom work, but I think my covers turned out okay. We need a Yellow Pages or something in the Author Forum with cover designers, editors, etc.
     
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  5. Apollos

    Apollos Level 7 (Cutpurse) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    Agreed. A Yellow Pages would be nice.
     
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  6. Paul Bellow

    Paul Bellow Forum Game Master Staff Member LitRPG Author Shop Owner Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    I'll need everyone's address to I can mail it out. Haha.

    My brother brought me a copy of an old zine I printed back in 1996, I believe.

    Seriously, though, a services forum with threads for each type of service would be nice. It would make this place more useful, too.
     
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  7. Seagrim

    Seagrim Level 18 (Magician) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    Couldn't resist. I like practicing writing blurbs, so, I wanted to try and give it a more tight and focused spin. Oddly, some of my word choices and English syntax seems to really piss off Grammarly. Use all, some, or none.

    ----------------------------

    War is coming.

    To train a new breed of soldier for this war, a virtual reality system is created. Codename: Freedom is that system, disguised as an MMO that blurs the line between game and reality.

    Lucius, a young semi-pro gamer, is one of the few chosen for this program. He believes this is an opportunity to gain followers, to impress sponsors, to perform, watched by the world. He's wrong.

    This game starts hard because there is no time to waste. War is coming. Lucius will be pushed beyond anything he has experienced before.
    Will he break or will he forge himself anew.
     
  8. Apollos

    Apollos Level 7 (Cutpurse) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    Thanks man! Yeah, I love Grammarly, but it doesn't always like my sentence structure. I'm going back and forth with how much to give away in the blurb. It hurts my head!
     
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  9. Seagrim

    Seagrim Level 18 (Magician) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    From what I've seen, a good blurb is an appetite whetter. An appetizer makes you think about how good the meal is going to be.

    So, when I do these practice runs, I try to keep it simple and straightforward.

    1) Background as tight and small as possible, still giving the flavor.
    2) Who is the MC, or, an idea of the cast.
    3) What is at stake.

    I'm still not liking the last sentence, it doesn't have a feel of a good hook.

    Ooooo, wait...

    "Will he break, or will he forge himself into the soldier this war will require"

    Sounds better...

    "Will he break, or will he forge himself into the hero this war desperately needs".

    Hey, if you're going to reveal to him that it's more than just a game...

    "When he discovers that it's more than a game, will he break, or will he rise to the challenge, with stakes higher than he had ever imagined"

    I'm liking that. I hear it in my head it's being read by the movie guy...
     
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  10. Apollos

    Apollos Level 7 (Cutpurse) LitRPG Author Citizen

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    Good points.

    Thankfully I'm not publishing until July 12th, so I'm going to play around some more. Thanks Seagrim. I'm liking the last part. I might give even more detail, but break it up into two sections. The shorter one that is a quick hook, then an extended version that attaches on to the end giving even more draw... I hope. :D
     
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  11. Paul Bellow

    Paul Bellow Forum Game Master Staff Member LitRPG Author Shop Owner Citizen Aspiring Writer

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    Yeah I usually try to write the blurb FIRST before I even write the book. Then, as the book is completed, I tend to go over the blurb with a fine-tooth comb, making it better.
     
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