Started working on a new story. Wondering what everyone thinks. This here is part of the first chapter. Would this get your attention? Make you want to read more? etc. Thoughts? comments? sarcastic easter bunny eggs? ........./start Chapter one A man notices many things in life while passing from one side to the other. A doorway sized shimmering hole floating a foot off the ground is not normally one of them. Hiya! My name is Jim Williams and if you happen to be reading this..I am most likely dead and you found my log. Maybe you are the one who killed me..If so F$#@ you! This is the my story. Before we move on i feel it necessary to give you a bit of history about me and my world. Call it background information if you will. I was born on a different world..Yep you read that right. My world was one of science and machines. Magic, sorcery and wizardry that you would be aware of did not exist at all on my world. Magic was nothing more than charlatans waving there hands in the air and using smoke and mirrors for effects. If real magic had ever truly existed on my world it had long been lost and forgotten before i was born. If you were to stand in front of me when i first came to this world you would have seen a six foot tall man with a average build sky blue eyes and short brown hair. Nothing really special, just your average twenty year old red blooded American male. Oh yes..The country i came from was called "The United States of America" overall one of the better countries to have lived in but definitely not perfect. /end
I like it. Sounds like you have the makings of a TechnoMage. You want to blast me with a fireball ahole? Go back to my workshop and make a mech powered by my elctro spells so I can tear down that scrawny wizards tower and f him up. "I dare you to throw one more fireball at me! Double dog dare you!"
Ok, so I might have got carried away. But I like the journal idea, is it going to double as a spell book?
Lol thats just part of the first chapter. ALL my stories include firearms. Or their equivalent..... This story will def have OP world changing weapons that go boom...Crash ..Bang.. Pow!! Yea...I am a unrepentant Gun nut. Posted this here to see if there would be any interest in reading more... The story is based around my favorite type of fantasy. IE MC dragged into another world with magic..Has to fight, learn..build..save the pretty girl etc etc. Its..Sadly a pretty overused theme/plot. There WILL be surprises though, But no cake's. Tempted to also go with a bit of a world within a world within a world within a world...also.. The idea has stuck with me for a long time ever sense i read a book where a computer programmer uploaded his mind into a computer. In the end he shut down the server with hundreds to thousands of uploaded minds in it. All under the assumption that somehow that world would continue on. He killed himself and found himself in the world he made. Wish i could remember the book..
Direct and to the point, in a sort of chatty/discussion sort of telling. I'm not the type of person that decides upon a book in the first two paragraphs. They can turn me off, sure, but they aren't what gets me to say yes. This start isn't one that would urge me to move on. So that's a good thing.
Totally off-topic: for quickness on forums I usually go by profile pic instead of name. I thought @Wolfgarr was having a conversation with himself at the beginning of this
Wolfgarr, I am the newest person to these here forums, so please forgive me if I am overstepping. As a fellow writer, I love talking the craft with people and am always down to give feedback if asked for. The biggest comment I have is that you have to show rather than tell - especially in a description. There's enough in what you provided to make me want to read a few more pages to get a better idea of what's to come - to see if it's "worth my time" to read. But telling the reader everything will make them put it down rather quickly (in most cases). The big problem is that the reader doesn't need to engage with the story or their imagination if everything is told to them. I am sure you know all of this. I am also sure that this is a draft and hasn't been edited, etc. so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. I'm just trying to engage with this awesome community for the get-go.
