Future tense makes it read like a courtroom opening statement. “The prosecution will show that right after quitting her job...” It actually kinda works.
Ok this is going to be nitpicky but remember you have around 100 words to get the reader engaged every word should count and be as well thought out as you can make it The choice to use future tense as stated is strange but its possible to keep First of all the first sentence is way to long there really isnt a reason to mention how digidream is "the Most innovative" something about the wording of that just realy clashes it seems overly simplistic "a company working to build an innovative new virtual universe" or something along those lines Secondly to add mystery say something along the lines of "after his boyfriend disappears into the game Sarah will be forced to follow after" This is all one thought it should have its own paragraph it makes the blurb feel jumpy to have them on different paragraphs Calling the game master misterious harkens back to a problem with youtube clickbait in which some people will say in perentases (EPIC) (crazy) (CUTE) telling the reader how to think about your work is never the way to go you should instead elect that feeling in your writing (show dont tell) think " according to whimsy of a unknown entity going only by the game master" 1) not say get out while it might be fine in conversation it feels clumsy and unprofessional in this case. 2) again show dont tell has dont say everything feels stacked against her it should be obvous and if its not then you should reexamine your writing. 3) This is a common blindspot but you never tell us there are different realms unil the are offhandedly referred too introduce this idea earlier. This is fine but try to make it sound(I dont know how else to say it) "cooler" " but amongst all the adversity she will soon discover the seeds of rebellion amongst the beings natural to this land" Again you never introduce us to the idea that the game master sets rules until now Dont use win nobody in this situation would use win (because you win games not life or death) perhaps use achieve victory or simply say survive. Minor point but I would say a virtual nightmare instead of the virtual nightmare as "the" sounds like a title and "a" works better with future tense
Hey, this is fantastic feedback! I appreciate the thorough analysis of the blurb. You make some good points! Thanks a lot.
Critique away, help me shorten this thing. Jacob knows virtual reality—he beta tests some of the world’s hottest VR games. What he doesn't know is what to make of the begoggled nut job swinging an invisible sword through the streets of downtown Seattle. Intrigued, Jacob follows the man, and discovers a world both familiar and yet incredibly different—the world of Panmachina AR. Offered a job by the game’s creator, Jacob enters a city he thinks he knows—but the skyscrapers have been replaced with towering examples of the finest Victorian architecture. The taxis and cars that grace the city sky are now exquisitely crafted airships. Enemies ranging from steam powered bunnies to enormous clockwork monstrosities lurk in every shadow. The real enemies, however, aren’t creations of the game at all. Jacob is involved in an epic quest, and there are those who will stop at nothing to make sure he doesn't succeed. Those who fail, get nothing. The victors, however, get a stake in the social and financial heart of the game—a place called Steam Whistle Alley.
They say around 100 words, and this is like. (1...2..3... erm) more than 100. Does it sound appropriately blurbish? I hate blurbs. Even hate the word blurb. Sounds... organic.
Doesn't look bad to me, but I'd get a second opinion. I suck on blurbs too. What I've found helps is to start the blurb BEFORE I write the book. Then keep polishing the blurb as the book progresses.
Jacob knows virtual reality—he beta tests some of the world’s hottest VR games. What he doesn't know is what to make of the begoggled nut job swinging an invisible sword through the streets of downtown Seattle. Offered a job by the game’s creator, Jacob enters a city he thinks he knows—but the skyscrapers have been replaced with towering examples of the finest Victorian architecture. Enemies ranging from steam powered bunnies to enormous clockwork monstrosities lurk in every shadow. (But something even darker lurks waiting for someone just such as him to accept a challenge.) if you want it to be shorter thats my advice while your blurb is quite good i got a few complaints 1) The line about flying cars made me read it three times most people dont think of cars as in the sky so perhaps just remove the word sky and that line becomes a lot less confuseing remember the person reading the blurb knows nothing about your world. 2) while begoggled might be a fun word its incredibly uncommon (from my experience) you could literally just say goggled or bespectacled which is a bit more common both of those words would be more accessible to the reader 3) the last lines are bad The real enemies, however, aren’t creations of the game at all. Jacob is involved in an epic quest, and there are those who will stop at nothing to make sure he doesn't succeed. Those who fail, get nothing. The victors, however, get a stake in the social and financial heart of the game—a place called Steam Whistle Alley. ^ epic quest violates the show dont tell rule I don't want you to tell me how epic the quest is as I can figure it out on my own if your books good enough ^ you say quest but what your describing sounds more like a challenge or a competition ^ "there are those who will stop at nothing to make sure he doesn't succeed." this line is quite common and thus boring it also takes away from the majesty of the world your essentially saying all the monsters aren't dangerous and the monsters are part of what is cool while "those" are people who we know nothing about and thus are uninteresting
I personally think your quite good at blurbs as for there length I think the main hook of your blurb should fit in the area before the read more on kindle or the amount of space you get when you hover over a book on audible as thats whats going to convince someone to read on
Ok... I tightened it up a bit. @MrPotatoMan and others, hows this one look. Everyone else on the street that day saw a lunatic wearing strange brass goggles, swinging an invisible sword through the streets of downtown Seattle. But Jacob recognized what the man was really doing—playing a game in augmented reality. Offered his own goggles by the game’s creator, Jacob enters a city he thinks he knows, but the skyscrapers have been replaced with towering monuments to Victorian architecture. Airships float between the buildings, and enemies ranging from steam powered bunnies to clockwork werewolves lurk in every shadow. Some enemies, however, aren’t creations of the game at all. Every player is racing toward the same goal, which some will use any means to attain. Those who fail, get nothing. The victors, however, get their own stake in the very heart of the game—a place called Steam Whistle Alley.
It's like pokemon go... the AI creates the NPCs wherever you go, as well as skinning all the buildings, cars, everything. Its set about 50 years in the future, and they're already predicting this level of immersion.
What a fantastic idea for a thread. I believe this is where I need a lot of help. The critiques above have been amazing. Here is my working synopsis for Enthralled: Book 2 - Picking Up the Pieces With their new, magic compass in hand, Mark and his beautiful Enthralled begin the search for the scattered pieces of the broken Crystal Heart. The journey will send them to the far corners of the game-world to face challenges that test their strength, their courage, and their bond. As their adventures unfold, Mark begins to worry about what will happen to his cherished friends, teammates, and lovers if they actually succeed. Not sure I like the [thing, thing, and thing] x 2. Thoughts?
