Blurb Critique Thread

I kinda like the 'reluctant' aspect of the first version. This might be my own little thing, but in general I like the whole "I'm doing all this under duress!" feel. But don't listen to me.

 

I like it!
At first, I thought it was too much, "in the game/out of the game," but the combo hints at their potential opposing views- aka Conflict.

 

Hello! Looking for holes to be poked in this B3 Blurb.
I agreed with the advice I had received before about talking about the last book first, then a bit about the current one.
But I worry about too many spoilers. Fire away!

Previously, Mark and his Enthralled restore the Crystal Heart and defeat Sasha, but quickly learn of an unknown yet familiar threat.

Now, to avoid an eternity of pain and suffering at the hands of a malicious artificial entity, they must solve the mystery of an abandoned space station resort while Mark’s companions try to come to terms with being artificial entities themselves.

 

I see how the Previously could be a speed bump, but then I'd have to change B2's Blurb... and who has the time?


Previously, Mark and his Enthralled restore the Crystal Heart and defeat Sasha, but quickly learn of an unknown yet familiar threat.

Now, to avoid an eternity of pain and suffering at the hands of a malicious artificial entity, they must solve the mystery of an abandoned space station. As they explore deeper within the Eros Pleasure Resort, Mark’s companions must try to cope with being artificial entities themselves.

 

Since you used previously in your last blurb I suggest you dont use it in your next it will just seem repetitive.

 

Thank you, I need to hear stuff like this. (Multiple times)
I guess I feel like consistency is also important. Are you guys saying the word is not ideal, and I should use "Before" or something? Or just drop it altogether?

 

I suck at this so any help is appreciated. It's for the second part of my series.

"More fights. More world development. More steamy action.
Follow our hero's journey as he leaves Viribirus along Brianna's group and travels through the high-seas to the city of rebels, Riverdance, hoping to find a solution to solve the world.
From players ranging from level 10 to 13, equipped with powerful items that protect them from attacks, to a feared bartender who's willing to help our heroes despite working for the bad guys, a mysterious girl that saves Tim and Brianna from getting caught by the guards, and a island full of people willing to die for one last kill, the stakes have never been this high.
As if that wasn't enough Brianna and Jannie don't get along and our hero has to tread carefully in both relationships to make sure he doesn't end up poisoning the whole group.
Tim won't have it easy, but will he be able to fight all the troubles in the way and save the world of Wild Fantasy?"

 

"More fights. More world development. More steamy action.

Follow Tim's journey as he leaves Viribirus along Brianna's group and travels through the high-seas to the city of rebels, Riverdance, hoping to find a solution to solve the world. Time is counting, and he can no longer be the same carefree guy he was. People's lives are on his hand, and he knows it.

Our heroes will have to face fears beyond their imagination, solve unexpected problems, and make sure they don't end up dead in the meantime.

As if that wasn't enough Brianna and Jannie don't get along and our hero has to tread carefully in both relationships to make sure he doesn't end up poisoning the whole group.

Tim won't have it easy, but will he be able to fight all the troubles in the way and save the world of Wild Fantasy?"

what do you think of this one?

 

First line: Perhaps consider changing the last word.
Where “Yet Another Stupid Death” awaits...
The death isn't lurking, the thing that causes the death is doing the lurking.
OR
Where a billion stupid deaths await...
OR
How many stupid deaths could you take for epic loot?

Like the rest, Love the rogue-like minigame no one has finished with epic magic item.

Why is Choking and Fortune Cookie, capped tho?

(As always, take everything with a salt mine.)

 

My Working Blub right now:

Beta Life
Digital Sorcery Book 1

Death was always something I thought of as a distant possibility until recently. Time had taken nearly everything from me but I was not ready to die. I’m not sure I ever will be. That’s why when the Everlast Corporation announced they would be accepting beta testers for their eternal life program I jumped at the chance to sign up.


Becoming one of the first humans to be digitized and placed inside of an online video game was easy. Learning to live and survive in a hostile world that I knew almost nothing about was a different story. In my new world, I’ve learned that there are worse things than death and if I’m to avoid a terrible fate I must adapt quickly to the strange new mechanics governing my life.


This book is rated M for Mature. It contains: fantasy violence, strong language, strong sexual content, mature humor, and is most likely offensive to everyone.


Please let me know your thoughts on this.

 

Here's the other idea I had for the blurb, it might have a bit more details:

The Everlast corporation promised eternal youth and life. You can't die in Everlast Online, only be sent for re-spawn. They failed to mention that going for respawn is so painful and mind shattering that you have a chance of losing your mind every-time it happens. Aside from that, the world of Alderoth is filled with slavers, masochists, supremacists, and one very trollish elf. Alright, that last one isn't really their fault.

I can't go back and if I'm to avoid becoming a slave or succumbing to madness I'll need to adapt quickly to my new powers and take the first steps on a path that alter the course of my new digital world forever.

This book is rated M for Mature. It contains: fantasy violence, strong language, strong sexual content, mature humor, and is most likely offensive to everyone.

 

Describing a full-length novel in such a small space is really an art. Hopefully I get better at making these over time but I think I'd rather just write 80-100,000 words haha

 

Thanks Paul for all the good advice!