Go here and click the "look inside" cover. If you don't laugh within the first few pages, I don't know whether or not we can be friends anymore. https://www.amazon.com/Few-Are-Chosen-KBarthan-Comedic-ebook/dp/B004ASOS6A/
Oh fifty shades sound off! I read book one out of curiosity, you can fit all 300 pages of that on this thread. Found my favorite one though Yeah... no, no face is pretty enough to distract me from the PEELED ginger root sticking out of someone's ass.... was she going over a recipe for dinner when she wrote this or what?
1) "Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free." 2) "Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin." 3) "He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy f**k. Sweet mother of all… Jeez." 4) “I line up the white ball and with a swift clean stroke, hit the center ball of the triangle square on with such force that a striped ball spins and plunges into the top right pocket. I’ve scattered the rest of the balls.” 5) “Don’t you like the butt drawer?” 6) “Argon? It rings a distant bell from chemistry class—an element, I think.” 7) “I sit up and reach for the orange juice, drinking it down too quickly. It’s delicious, ice cold, and it makes my mouth a much better place.” 8) Christian: “Dr. Green is coming to sort you out…” Ana: “Why?” Christian: “Because I hate condoms …” Ana: “It’s my body.” Christian: “It’s mine, too.” 9) “He’s said such loving things today … But how long will he want to do this without wanting to beat the crap out of me.” 10) “My subconscious looks on with approval, her normally pursed mouth smiling, and I am the supreme puppet master.” 11) "I flush. My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me." 12) "My inner goddess is beside herself, hopping from foot to foot." 13) "My inner goddess fist pumps the air above her chaise lounge" 14) "My inner goddess stirs from her five-day sulk." 15) "My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves." 16) “My inner goddess is doing a triple axel dismount off the uneven bars, and abruptly my mouth is dry.” 17) “The remaining subclauses of this clause 15 are to be read subject to this proviso and to the fundamental matters agreed in clauses 2-5 above.” 18) "Suppose he returns with a cane, or some weird kinky implement?" 19) "Mentally girding my loins, I head into the hotel." 20) "He's my very own Christian Grey popsicle." 21) "Feel it baby." 22) Christian: You wore my underwear. Ana: Did that shock you? Christian: Yes. 23) "The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor." 24) "I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet and falling head first into the office. Double crap—me and my two left feet!" 25) "And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain—probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells—comes the thought: He's here to see you." 26) "His gaze is intense, all humor gone, and strange muscles deep in my belly clench suddenly." 27) "That night I dream of dark places, bleak white cold floors, and gray eyes." 28) "His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something." 29) "'Argh!' I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity." 30) "I'm so glad I decided to wear my best jeans this morning." 31) "I must be the color of the communist manifesto." 32) "I am all gushing and breathy—like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the state of Washington." 33) "He has a coffee which bears a wonderful leaf-pattern imprinted on the milk. How do they do that? I wonder idly." 34) "Well, if you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday. You didn't eat, you got drunk, you put yourself at risk." 35) "My hormones are racing." 36) "Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double quick time. I feel so naughty. It's such a thrill." 37) "Oh my… sweat and body wash and Christian. It's a heady cocktail—so much better than a margarita, and now I can speak from experience." 38) "And there it is, a white helicopter with the name Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. written in blue with the company logo on the side. Surely this is misuse of company property." 39) "My subconscious has reared her ugly, snide head." 40) "'Does this mean you're going to make love to me tonight, Christian?' Holy shit! Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. 'No, Anastasia, it doesn't. Firstly, I don't make love. I f**k... hard.'" 41) "Why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified. 'You want to play on your Xbox?' I ask. He laughs, loudly." 42) "Christian Grey just sent me a winking smiley... Oh my." 43) "Why hasn't he given me back my panties? I steal into the bathroom, bewildered by my lack of underwear." 44) "My anxiety level has shot up several magnitudes on the Richter scale." 45) "How could he mean so much to me in such a short time? He's got right under my skin... literally." 46) “'Put the chicken in the fridge.' This is not a sentence I had ever expected to hear from Christian, and only he can make it sound hot, really hot.” 47) "'I like your kinky f***ery,' I whisper.” 48) "Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin's lamp all rolled into one". 49) “My subconscious has reared her somnambulant head.” 50) "Oh the sweet agony… his hands clasp my hips. He sets a punishing rhythm - in, out, and he reaches around and finds my clitoris, massaging me… oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken."
I wish I had been. But those were all actual quotes from Fifty Shades of Grey. Seriously. What the f**k.
This quote is from Spellgun on royalroad. Spellgun | Royal Road "Paul lost focus on both his butchery and the light. The light vanished, while the claw-knife slipped and punctured an anal gland on the rat he was skinning. He swore loudly, causing a small lizard that had crept near to skitter away in fright, then vomited from the stench. Oh f**k, it’s all over me! Oh my god, it smells like death. No, worse. It smells like death took a sh*t. It’s like weaponized hate. " That one got me pretty good, was not expecting it. I am new to this site so I am unsure about formatting, sorry if I messed something up. I have to agree with Simon Fiasco about worst lines, besides the top comment I think most of this page could be removed to prevent others from reading the nonsense it contains.
"My head is so full right now that it's empty." - Amish Candy shop That almost sounded like a zen riddle.... Nah Oh come on, 50 shades is so bad it goes around the equator and back to hilarious again. Have some orange juice, it'll make your mouth a better place
50 shades crosses the line twice. It goes from bad to so bad it’s good and straight back to so bad it’s bad.
Against the rules! Has to be something other then your own work so we can all mock it. ...Well, I'd still mock it but the rest of humanity has to aim higher then my moral standings!
Oh, I was gonna post an excerpt from OGGO, if we were going with the whole "funny quotes from books you're writing" angle.
A bot wrote a new Harry Potter chapter using "predictive keyboards trained on all seven books". Presenting: Chapter 13. The Handsome One. PAGE 271 The castle grounds snarled with a wave of magically magnified wind. The sky outside was a great black ceiling, which was full of blood. The only sounds drifting from Hagrid's hut were the disdainful shrieks of his own furniture. Magic: it was something that Harry Potter thought was very good. Leathery sheets of rain lashed at Harry's ghost as he walked across the grounds towards the castle. Ron was standing there and doing a kind of frenzied tap dance. He saw Harry and immediately began to eat Hermione's family. Ron's Ron shirt was just as bad as Ron himself. "If you two can't clump happily, I'm going to get aggressive," confessed the reasonable Hermione. PAGE 272 "What about Ron magic?" offered Ron. To Harry, Ron was a loud, slow and soft bird. Harry did not like to think about birds. "Death Eaters are on top of the castle!" Ron bleated, quivering. Ron was going to be spiders. He just was. He wasn't proud of that, but it was going to be hard to not have spiders all over his body after all is said and done. "Look," said Hermione. "Obviously there are loads of Death Eaters in the castle. Let's listen in on their meetings." The three complete friends zapped onto the landing outside the door to the castle roof. They almost legged it, but witches are not climbing. Ron looked at the doorknob and then looked at Hermione with searing pain. "I think it's closed," he noticed. "Locked, said Mr Staircase, the shabby robed ghost. They looked at the door, screaming about how closed it was and asking it to be replaced with a small orb. The password was "BEEF WOMEN," Hermione cried. Harry, Ron, and Hermione quietly stood behind a circle of Death Eaters who looked bad. "I think it's okay if you like me," said one Death Eater. "Thank you very much," replied the other. The first Death Eater confidently leaned forward to plant a kiss on the cheek. "Oh! Well done!" said the second as his friend stepped back again. All the other Death Eaters clapped politely. Then they all took a few minutes to go over the plan to get rid of Harry's magic. PAGE 273 Harry could tell that Voldemort was standing right behind him. He felt a great overreaction. Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment. "Voldemort, you're a very bad and mean wizard," Harry savagely said. Hermione nodded encouragingly. The tall Death Eater was wearing a shirt that said 'Hermione Has Forgotten How To Dance,' so Hermione dipped his face in mud. Ron threw a wand at Voldemort and everyone applauded. Ron smiled. Ron reached for his wand slowly. "Ron's the handsome one," muttered Harry as he reluctantly reached for his. They cast a spell or two, and jets of green light shot out of the Death Eater's heads. Ron flinched. "Not so handsome now," thought Harry as he dipped Hermione in hot sauce. The Death Eaters were dead now and Harry was hungrier than he had ever been. *** The Great Hall was filled with incredible moaning chandeliers and a large librarian who had decorated the sinks with books about masonry. Mountains of mice exploded. Several long pumpkins fell out of McGonagall. Dumbledore's hair scooted next to Hermione as Dumbledore arrived at school. The pig of Hufflepuff pulsed like a large bullfrog. Dumbledore smiled at it, and places his hand on its head: "You are Hagrid now." PAGE 274 We're the only people who matter. He's never going to get rid of us," Harry, Hermione, and Ron said in chorus. The floor of the castle seemed like a large pile of magic. The Dursleys had never been to the castle and they were not about to come there in Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash. Harry looked around and then fell down the spiral staircase for the rest of the summer. "I'm Harry Potter," Harry began yelling. "The dark arts better be worried, oh boy!"
“That’s a sword, not your cock! Don’t play with it so damn much!” -Caulder ~From The Land by Aleron Kong
